I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It鈥檚 been 22 years. I think they can鈥檛 find me.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I鈥榤 sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who鈥檚 caught their kid鈥檚 barf in their hand
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what鈥檚 the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I need to get some bricks…
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we鈥檙e going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
lost boys: how鈥檇 the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 馃檪
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you鈥檙e a sociopath
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I鈥檓 burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that鈥檚 organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I don鈥檛 know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My kids think they鈥檙e way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I鈥檇 already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.