If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*