Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
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My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!