I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Spring of Deception
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it