ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Put the is in disheveled
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.