5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
cause of death:
autopsy.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater