*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Why soy sad?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Saturday
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.