During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?