I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir