Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank