Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
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[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.