Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
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Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.