I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
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me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Ah yes. The three genders
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.