Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I know karate and tons of other words.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.