Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
You Might Also Like
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.