If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
This probably isn’t good
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.