[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My biological clock is wheezing.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
We need more people like this.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve