My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
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I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
time for some seasonal decor
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
meanwhile over on facebook
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.