Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Jogging
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.