My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
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True?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.