Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
You Might Also Like
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.