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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
dude it’s called proctologist
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Velcrow
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation