Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date