A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
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Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
good let them take over I have had enough
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”