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Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
What a year we’ve had this week.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss