Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I would move hell over six inches for you
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though