While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
*has no idea what a book even is*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.