I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
You Might Also Like
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
San Francisco has too many rules
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.