[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
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Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Left at a local drug store…
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
this article brought to you by lions
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”