Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
You Might Also Like
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.