Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
🤣😈🤣
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Body by sandwich.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
happy mother’s day❤️
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.