I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.