[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
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It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Just got to our Airbnb!
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.