Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.