Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
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When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
My first son he is wonderful
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.