I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane