roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
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Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Happy weekend !
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster