Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
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I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug