If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
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Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.