reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Finally
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym