Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Free him
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber