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They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
me linking you to my twitter
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.