we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[montage of me giving-up]
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.