[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.