Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
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ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My god she’s good.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time