Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*