Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
yeah not falling for this one
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.