I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob