I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
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In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.