5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My purse is deeper than some people.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
TRAIN’S HERE
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me driving through Toronto
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.